l'appel du vide
by RealTechnorat
Summary: (Tokyo Ghoul :re Verse) Kanae von Rosewald's job is to keep Tsukiyama alive. Sasaki Haise's job is to be a ghoul investigator (who also happens to be a ghoul.) Yomo Renji's job is to work at the café, but he sure doesn't get paid enough. (Haise/Tsukiyama)


**A/N: this fic is written in second person, much like Paracosm, but it is not connected to it. I hope you enjoy reading. :^)**

* * *

><p>The coffee Nishiyo has left is bitter against your tongue. Not the good kind of bitter that came with fresh and still bloody meat, just barely simmered on the lowest heat setting of your stove. It's the bitterness of cheap coffee that comes from a can. You're grateful, nonetheless. Your face is covered in tears (and snot, how <em>gross<em>). Your hair is all messed up. Your shirt is untucked and you look like a slob, overall. How long have you been there? Maybe hours? More than one hour for sure. The sun is setting.

Chie — your little mouse — sits next to you. She doesn't know how to comfort her pet ghoul. She doesn't know what to say, except that your obsession with Kaneki is unhealthy and that you shouldn't be crying so much. Chie hands you tissue after tissue. She knows there isn't much that she can do to comfort you, except be there.

The sun rises and you ask her what _gourmet food_ is. She's not a foodie. Her response isn't what you are looking for. Is Kaneki Ken simply a meal to you? _Non_, he had— no… he _has_ to be more important than that. Then what…? A friend…? But would the one-eyed ghoul see you as a friend? You _did_ try to eat him. _Multiple_ times. Friends _don't_ do that.

Why has food been your life's purpose? Why did you decide to become a gourmet at the tender age of ten...? A gourmet would not cry after a meal... so you're not really a gourmet. What are you then? If food isn't really your reason to live... what are you clinging to?

Kaneki has left.

You sniffle and Chie pats your shoulder awkwardly. She can't have her model making such hideous faces. She can't have her model — and friend_?_ — starve on some random building's rooftop.

Chie helps you go back to your home.

* * *

><p>Several days pass by in a haze.<p>

The news goes on and on about the raid on Anteiku and its success. Your Kaneki... (your ultimate meal? obsession?) He is either dead or in hiding. Though, you don't have much hope in the second of the two...

You don't feel like eating anymore. (What is the point? What are you living for? You don't know.) You feel like taking a long nap...

Kanae von Rosewald looks familiar… You can't place your finger on it. It's strange. Where have you seen him before? His hair is neatly groomed and... well, _purple _like yours. His suit is impeccable as well. It matches his hair.

Your parents, concerned for your well-being, had sent him to your apartment. He's in charge of keeping you… _alive_, you suppose. He's such a young man. He shouldn't be attending to your every need. He also shouldn't be talking to flowers. (You are the Flower Man, _not him_! And even then, you don't talk to roses.)

You can take care of yourself, you say. It becomes a chant. You can take care of yourself. You don't need to be treated like a baby. You just want to stay in your bed for today… like the whole past week. You barely eat; you're simply not hungry. The urge to feed is _not_ present within you… What is happening to the _voracious_ ghoul, the Gourmet?

Kanae watches over you nervously, fiddling with a bright red rose. He refers to himself as one of the flowers sometimes… Why have your parents have picked him to watch over you? He's hardworking… but… so young. And like your parents, Kanae disapproves of your long-lasting friendship with Hori Chie. _How can you be friends with a human and never feel the urge to eat her?_ _Humans are below the ghouls on the food chain. You can't be friends with a potential meal_. But you've never once wanted to eat the mouse.

* * *

><p>Your hair has grown long within the short span of months. You don't cut it. You don't style it. You should... <em>probably<em> wash it soon. You're gross and dirty and na_sty and wrong wrong wro_n_g wron_g, but you won't do anything to fix it. You're too tired. Instead, you spend most of your days in your bed underneath the thick and warm blankets. You're a wreck and you know it. You are ashamed to bear your family name. _You'll only sully it if you go outside like this, Shuu-sama._

Kanae combs your hair. He seems to like you well enough, but… where is Hori Chie? Your… _friend_ since high school… She would not _abandon_ you… (too) Would she? Your stomach twists uncomfortably. Is he keeping her away or… or (you dread the other) has she finally _given up _on you? It hurts as he rips through the tangles, murmuring apologies under his breath.

You are given a meagre portion of raw flesh and muscles. Kanae leaves to go clean up the kitchen. You are alone again. The blood leaks from the chunk of meat slowly. You watch, _mesmerized_. There was a time when you'd kill to eat… _his_ still bloody corpse. You shove the plate away from yourself and pull the covers over your face. It lands on the plush carpet and shatters into a million pieces. Kanae will have to clean it up later. Though you can't see how he'd get out the stain… You aren't hungry anyway. You never are these days…

Kanae won't lecture you for not eating; sometimes, your servant disappears for days and leaves you nothing to eat. So it's not entirely your fault.

You know you've lost weight. You are u_g_l_y_ and the mirrors are covered, to hide the truth from your tired, watery eyes.

* * *

><p>The fabric is soft. The scent is familiar, just... <em>out<em> of your reach. You _know_ you've smelled it some_where_ before. But wh_ere_? The pattern is nice. Something you would have worn. Wrong size, though. But why has Kanae brought you the pair of boxers anyway? It's strange, even for the strange young man. (_rose_? ghoul?)

Your nose and its sense of smell have truly deteriorated. Probably due to your severe malnutrition. You know you should eat more. You've lost a lot of weight. You haven't gone outside; your skin is so pale, you can see the blue-green veins just underneath.

Kanae takes the underwear away. (Probably to dispose of it…) Something stirs inside of you… Your nails are terribly long… Gross. ...What if you cut them?

While your servant is away, you get out of your bed and walk to the master bathroom. It's attached to your bedroom, so you don't have walk far. You're not sure if you can walk much further… You don't go outside. You hardly ever leave your bed. Your muscles have atrophied… You probably wouldn't last five minutes in a fight. (A dull dagger, not worthy of being _his_ sword.)

The mirror in the bathroom is covered. You really don't want to see what you look like. You've _always_ prided yourself on your appearance, but you have let yourself go. You clip your nails until they are short and neat and much more presentable. (_How many times have you hurt yourself while scratching an itch?_) You debate about painting on a clear coat or filing them, but you're too tired. It took all of your energy to take care of such a basic task...

You return to the nest that is your bed, just looking a tad better than before… feeling as if you've done something good for yourself, however minor.

* * *

><p>If Kanae has noticed you taking better care of your body, he doesn't mention it. He brings you smaller portions, which is even stranger… He had been <em>trying<em> (unsuccessfully) to make you eat more before… What has changed? The younger man is much more talkative than usual. He rambles on and on and you tune him out. Does he like the sound of his voice so much?

He checks up on you increasingly often, smiling when he sees you (_safe_?) in your bed.

"Kanae…" you say. Your voice is scratchy from disuse. "I'm going out today." You want to go visit Chie, since she obviously isn't visiting you. You aren't going to tell him that.

He blinks, eyes widening and shakes his head. _No_. He tries to convince your not to go outside. "_She doesn't care about you, Shuu-sama. Your parents left you in my care. Not hers." _He goes on and on and on. Reasons flowed out from his thin lips like water rushing over the edge of a waterfall.

"_If she really cared about you, Shuu-sama… wouldn't she have already visited?"_

Your stomach twists uncomfortably— and not out of hunger (you think; the hunger pangs have stopped a while ago). Is he… is he right? Your mouth is dry. You request some water.

You end up not leaving your home that day.

When Kanae is around, you don't leave your bed. But, whenever he goes out— whether it be for hunting or _whatever_ it is Kanae does in his free time — you walk around the apartment. First, you walk around your bedroom and the attached bathroom. You take long baths since you feel as if you cannot stand for long periods of time. (Someday, you'll get to take a shower again.)

Slowly, your walks extend to the hallway next to the bedroom. There's a mirror there, covered by a long, black towel. You pull it off hastily.

You're too skinny, too frail. There are dark splashes of purple underneath your eyes. Your hair… is long past your shoulders. Should you cut it? _No_, Kanae would _notice_. He would know you were up and about.

You swallow thickly before putting the towel back in its spot on the mirror. Maybe maybe maybe you shouldn't have looked at yourself. You feel _worse_ now.

You continue on to the living room. There's a beige couch and a low coffee table, along with a flat-screen television. You don't use it that often. Grabbing the remote, you turn it on. The news comes on. The lights hurt your eyes, which are so used to the darkness of your room. You turn the television off, dissatisfied.

Kanae comes back unexpectedly. You meet his eyes. He closes the

door

and

locks

it behind him.

"_Why are you out of bed, Shuu-sama?" _Kanae is holding plastic bags with smiling faces on them. 'Thank You!' they say. "_You should be resting." _He's frowning and looking at you with concern. You can hear your heartbeat.

You drape the blanket around your shoulders and return to your room. …What exactly were you thinking?

* * *

><p>You are convinced your parents left you Kanae to keep you out of the public eye. It is a good thing, you suppose. If the powerful Tsukiyama family allowed such an... <em>embarrassment<em> such as you to mope around Tokyo as you pleased, you'd bring dishonor on them… But, you wish to see your mother. You'll go crazy if you don't have anything to do all day for the rest of your life. You miss talking to her (and Hori Chie). Why isn't anyone visiting you? All you have left is your servant.

_They don't need _you_._

_ They don't want _you_ around._

_ Nobody requires _you_ in their life…_

I'm_ the only one that cares._

His words are like spoken as if honey, but instead go down like vinegar. Well, you assume... You don't know how honey or vinegar taste.

You want to leave the apartment. You have been walking often, but without a constant supply of nutrients, you do not regain much weight. You think you're strong enough. (If not, you'll take a break… Anything is better than staying within the same apartment… How many _years_ has it been since you've gone outside?)

You plan it out well enough. (You guess. Your plan isn't a well thought out one. It's one that will work, you're sure. All of your terrible thought out plans end up working.)

He leaves. You wait exactly fifteen minutes before leaving as well.

You can't find your keys. You frown and leave the door unlocked. You won't be able to return through the front door. You don't care. You _need _to _go_ outside.

You squint once the sunlight touches your skin. It's a… weird sensation. You almost return back home, but you fight the urge. The door has already closed. You must continue on.

You're wearing a black dress shirt with tiny white crosses and black dress pants. You also wear a black sweater. You are cold; not a new sensation. Your clothes are a few sizes too big, but Kanae hasn't bought you anything new… You don't have any money on you. (Has he hidden it?) Oh well. You could have gone for some coffee... Perhaps another time.

You end up at a park, exhausted. Perhaps your little adventure was a bad idea... Perhaps you should have stayed home. But... the fresh air... You smile. It's so nice outside. There are just a few scattered clouds in the sky. You sit down on a park bench.

"Excuse me," says a man a few minutes later. You look up... K-kane-? No... he's taller than the one-eyed ghoul and his hair is different. He's also a _Dove_! There's a suit case in his left hand and two coffees, stacked one on top of the other, in the right. "You look tired... A-and, oh I hope this doesn't seem awkward, b-but I bought you some coffee..."

You are given the warm cup. "T-thank you," you say, your voice cracking. You're not used to talking so much...

"No problem," he says with a kind smile. You can feel your heart race. _Un ange._ "Can I sit next to you...?" He trails off, waiting for something. O-oh! He wants to know your name.

"T-tsukiyama Shuu," you say.

"Nice to meet you, Tsukiyama-san," says the Dove. How can such a nice man be a ghoul investigator? You look nervously at the briefcase, which no undoubtedly held a quinque, the kagune of a dead ghoul. You're a ghoul. Someday there'll be a quinque made out of a dead you. "I'm Sasaki Haise. May I sit down next to you?" He repeats his question.

You nod. Of all the people to run in to... (At least it's not Kanae...) The coffee is hot and unsweetened.

"Ah, I like my coffee black," says Sasaki. "I hope you don't mind."

"_Non, non. _Black coffee is fine." You take another sip. "It's really good! Where did you get this?"

Sasaki smiles. "There's a coffee shop nearby called :re. Have you heard of it? They have great coffee. Oh! And there's books. The customers are free to browse."

"I haven't heard of it before..." you admit. This is your first time outside in years... You wouldn't have heard of it from within your bedroom. "But a cafe with books free to read sounds delightful."

Sasaki agrees cheerfully. "It really is!" Realization dawns in his eyes. "O-oh, you read a lot of books too?"

You smile regretfully. "I haven't read a good one in a while..."

"Don't worry about it, Tsukiyama-san. I'll let you in on something. A while ago, a surgery was performed on my eyes. For the longest time I couldn't read books. Then, when I got my sight back..." He chokes up. "I still couldn't read. The text was too small." Sasaki takes out a pair of circular glasses. "Ta-da. Everyone has their bad days."

His words are kind.

"_Merci beaucoup, _Ka- Sasaki-kun," you murmur.

His brows furrow. "I... I know I've heard that before... Tell me, Tsukiyama-san, what language is that?"

"A-ah." Nobody has ever asked you about your habit of using foreign words in sentences. "It's French for 'thank you very much.' Sorry about that."

"No, no. It's fine. I was curious... I don't think I know anyone else who knows French. Do... do you think we've met before?" he asks. His eyes – they're a light shade of grey – _sparkle_ as if he really believes that this is some sort of destined moment.

He looks so much like the one-eyed ghoul... "Probably not," you say. He can't be Kaneki. Kaneki is dead. He was too kind and couldn't let the people of Anteiku... _die_... without a fight.

Sasaki scratches at his chin. "If you say so." Such a familiar gesture... Your throat constricts and you can feel your eyes burning. With tears? With tears. You don't want to cry. Not in front of a complete stranger. Yes, he's a stranger.

It's nice talking to someone else, even if your throat feels like it's on _fire_.

But your chat with the Dove ends with Kanae.

The German man cuts into the conversation. "_Shuu-sama, what are you doing here? You should be at home... resting." _He flat-out ignores Sasaki, except for the moment when he throws a distrustful look at the ghoul investigator.

You are dragged away from the park without so much as a farewell. Sasaki looks on it confusion and... (worry?) Kanae takes the cup of coffee (still half-full) and dumps it in the nearest trash can. (But it was so good...)

* * *

><p>You refuse the food Kanae brings you for the next few days. You were actually en<em>joy<em>ing yourself. "_But you were bringing shame to the family name." _It's true... "_You were in danger. You were talking to a Dove. What if you were killed?" _...Sasaki didn't seem like a bad man. "_All ghoul investigators are bad."_

"_I'm just trying to take care of you_," he says one day, eyes watery. Is he... is he going to cry? "_What if you died? How would I explain that to your parents, Shuu-sama. I am supposed to protect you." _(Even from yourself. You are a danger to yourself.)

You feel like a caged bird, with nowhere left to stretch your wings.

After his emotional outburst, things return to _normal_ between the two of you. The silence is heavy against your ears. Kanae offers you a cup of coffee, sweetened with the bloody sugar cubes Kane- _he _used to use. It's not as good as the coffee from :re.

The lukewarm coffee isn't enough to keep you awake and you fall into a fitful slumber.

* * *

><p>You wake up. All alone.<p>

Strange.

Kanae normally tells you when he is going to leave.

Maybe... he left while you were asleep?

You throw the covers off of yourself and walk to the bathroom. You wash your face and clip your nails. After a moment of debate, you decide to finally wash your long, long hair. (You're pretty sure your only real competition is Rapunzel at this point..) Your hairdrier is nowhere to be found. You frown.

Kanae could be back at any moment...

You dry your hair roughly with a towel and try to put it back in its exact spot. You think you've succeeded. Then, you comb your hair, which takes an absurd amount of time. At least it's tangle free! You debate about changing your pajamas. The ones you are wearing... you have been wearing for multiple days now. They're bright green with neon colored animals.

You retreat to the bed and pull the covers to your neck.

* * *

><p>A week... (Maybe <em>two<em>...?) pass before you _escape_ _outside_ again. This time you wear white sweatpants, a black long-sleeved shirt, and a black jacket- the first one you could find in your closet. You wander around Tokyo. You're a little lost. But, your feet take you to your old Ghoul Restaurant.

_It_ is open, you realize with a shock. But... who's running it? Not _you_.

"Tsukiyama-san?" says the voice of a very familiar ghoul investigator. Sasaki is also outside of the building... He's with _friends_. (Other ghoul investigators? They aren't holding any of those adrenaline inducing briefcases.) "What are you going here?"

You smile. "Would you believe me if I said I got terribly lost?"

He smiles too, but it looks strained. Sasaki walks over to you and you almost take a step back. Does this... look-alike know that you are a ghoul? He laughs. It's a gentle sound and you can feel your heart break (all over again). "Well, this is not a place for a civilian." He looks concerned, like he wants to say something else. "Urie, Tooru, I'll be right back. I'm bringing a civilian out of the danger zone."

The two men (boys?) Sasaki calls out to nod. The Doves are surrounding the building's premises. Just what is going on?

"I-I didn't get to ask you before, Tsukiyama-san... but are you alright?"

"Ka- Sasaki-kun," you say. "What do you mean by that?"

"Your... boyfriend looked really mad," says Sasaki. "If he... if he yells at you like that... and controls where... you go... That can't be good Tsukiyama-san." He doesn't bring up how you're underweight and obviously not getting enough (uninterupted) sleep.

"Boyfriend?' you say the word slowly, before you realize he's referring to your _babysitter_. "No, no... Kanae is my family's servant," you tell him.

Sasaki still looks worried. "Listen... Tsukiyama-san... I can't say I know you; we've only met once before. But... if this Kanae is _hurting _you... or... or keeping you isolated from loved ones... You are always welcome at CCG headquarters." No you are not. You are a _ghoul_. "I know our job is to hunt down violent ghouls, but nobody there would deny you help. And... you could always ask for me at the office."

He's trying to h_e_lp you.

But Kanae isn't doing anything wrong... (_Right_? He's only doing what's best for you and your family.)

The two of you stop outside of that coffee shop he mentioned last time. :re.

"I have to go back, Tsukiyama-san," he tells you. "I should come back in an hour or two, if you want to talk." You don't have the keys; they're still missing. He leaves with a small wave. You don't have your wallet on you again. (Kanae definitely hid it...)

You enter the shop and make eye contact with Touka Kirishima. She doesn't recognize you at first, but then walks to your side quickly. "Tsukiyama-san," she lets out. Her eyes linger on your hideous form. You know you look gr_oss_. Then she calls for the only other employee in the empty cafe. "Yomo," she says. "Bring him to the back."

The white haired man looks at you curiously, like you're some sort of exotic animal. You feel humiliated; your ears burn red. You should have stayed at home. None of this would have happened if you had listened to Kanae and stayed at home...

Yomo once promised to watch over you... that was during the Kaneki Ken rescue operation. That was when you posed a possible threat to the _dolce_ young man.

You cannot possibly hurt anyone in your current state...

The back room is where flesh from suicide victims are kept. Yomo finds you something to eat. He gives you a generous portion. _You can't eat that much, _you know. _You'll throw up. _The sweet (too sweet) scent of blood doesn't cause your mouth to salivate.

You pick at the meal and Yomo sits with you silently.

Touka comes back from the storefront. She takes off her apron. "I closed the cafe," she says. To you? Yomo? Both? She sits down across from you and next to Yomo. You stop eating. It's uncomfortable to be watched (by two. By someone you tried to eat?) while you feed. Your eyes haven't even turned red and black. There aren't enough RC cells in your blood for that. (Is Kanae not feeding you enough?) "Tsukiyama-san, we haven't seen you in a while. Are you okay?" She asks cautiously. She sounds genuinely concerned for your well-being.

Touka is a nice person. She wouldn't keep a grudge for that many years, especially with you looking so... _pathetic_.

"You look like you're starving," says Yomo.

Are you?

They exchange looks when you don't say anything. "Aren't you supposed to be eating well?" asks Touka. "Your Ghoul Restaurant is active."

It is? You blink slowly. Your fingers are bloody and sticky. "I have nothing to do with it, then," you say. "I've only been outside twice in the last few years." You're being very honest with them. _Do you want other people to like you? I'm all you really need, Shuu-sama... _"I don't really know anything, other than the fact that Doves are attacking the Restaurant right now."

They look at each other again. "You... really have _nothing_ to do with the Ghoul Restaurant?" asks Touka again.

You nod.

"Then how do you know that it's under attack?"

"...I was wandering about Tokyo when I ended up outside it. A ghoul investigator thought I was a civilian and brought me here."

"Is his... is his name Sasaki Haise, by any chance?" she says.

"Yes, that's the one," you say. The two of you make eye contact and look away awkwardly. (You did try to eat her and her brother when she were eight years old and he was even younger...)

She nods quietly. "I'll reopen the cafe. Sasaki-kun will be coming back, no doubt." Touka smiles warmly at the thought. You almost feel jealous.

You're left alone with Yomo.

"Tsukiyama-san," he says once you've eaten a good portion of the food. "Do you want to borrow the phone? Do you need to contact somebody?" You think of Kanae first... and dismiss him from your mind.

You're given the phone and you push the buttons.

Hori Chie picks up on the second ring.

* * *

><p>She gets to the cafe before Sasaki does. Hori Chie has never been one for affectionate displays, but she hugs you (and consequently causes the two of you to fall). She doesn't look much different. (Dermatologists must hate her.)<p>

"Tsukiyama," she says. "It's been three years." Chie makes a fist. "That shitty _rose." _She makes a noise of disgust. She then calms down and pats your head. "Nice hair," she cracks. You're both still on the floor. She gets up first and drags you to your feet.

"Chie... do you think I could stay with you?" You don't meet her eyes. You really don't want to go back home, where Kanae could be.

"Yeah, sure. That's no biggie," she says with a wave of her hand. Touka comes over and Chie orders two drinks- black coffee for you and hot chocolate for herself. She pays for it too. Does she know you don't have any access to your money? "But, we're going to have to buy some more clothes for you." Yeah... you didn't take anything from your apartment except for the clothes on your back.

Touka comes up to you again, just a little later. "Tsukiyama-san," she says. You look at her. So does Chie. "You are welcome to come here anytime you want... and... Yomo and I have been talking. If you would like a job here, then you are guaranteed one as long as you stay on your best behavior."

You smile. _"Merci beaucoup. _I might have to take you up on that offer, Touka-chan." You don't want to be too big of a burden on Chie... You need to be able to financially support yourself, without the help of your parents. (For once in your life.)

Sasaki Haise enters at this moment of time. When Chie sees him, she kicks you under the table. _C'est pas poli_.

"Tsukiyama-san, Touka-chan," he greets.

"Your usual?" she says.

He nods and sits down next to you. "I'm Sasaki Haise," he says to Chie and extends his hand.

"Hori Chie," she says, accepting the offered hand.

* * *

><p>Living with Chie is better than you'd imagine. You stay in her guest bedroom. (It's your bedroom now, she insists.) She takes you shopping for some basic necessities. Mostly clothing in various shades of black and white and gray. Chie forces you to get a bright purple sweater while you're there. She wouldn't take a 'no' for an answer.<p>

Working at :re is also nice. There aren't too many customers, but the regulars are friendly to you. :re provides you with food, too. ("You need to gain some weight, Tsukiyama-san," Touka once had said, making a face when she walked in on you changing into your uniform.)

Sasaki Haise (sometimes with his coworkers) drops by. You know how to make coffee now. (Well, before you would just press a button on a machine, but now you pour boiling water over the high-quality beans.) The two of you chat often enough.

"You know, Kanae didn't let me see you all these years," Chie says suddenly one night. "There's something wrong with that guy, Tsukiyama. He's dangerous." Maybe he is... You don't know. He's never _hurt_ you. "He kept me away from you, away from the outside world. Why was he isolating you from people that could help?"

You really don't know. You're tired.

"Tsukiyama, you know how the Ghoul Restaurant is active?" she says. It catches your attention and you nod. "_Kanae_ is running it. He... I dunno how to put this... he's wearing your mask and going by your nicknames: Gourmet and MM. It's like... Kanae is stealing your identity."

You put the steaming mug of coffee down.

A strangled "why" leaves your chapped lips. Why did he keep you locked in your room for years? To become head of the Ghoul Restaurant? That wasn't much of a gain. He already had access to your- your family's money and resources.

Is it okay for it to continue like this?

The Ghoul Restaurant was attacked anyway; Kanae might be dead. Your heart flutters at the thought. You feel resentment toward the German man. He... he really didn't care about you or keeping your family's name honorable. Kanae wants (wanted?) your life. To achieve that and keep your parents happy, you were cloistered away.

_But..._

_what if_

_Kanae von Rosewald_

_survived._

You don't want to think about that.

Instead of thinking about the unpleasant matter, you bring the mug to your mouth and take a gulp of the scalding liquid.

* * *

><p>You're working at :re one warm day. Sasaki Haise sits by himself, reading a book and nursing a dark roast. He looks up and greets you. "Tsukiyama-san, good morning."<p>

"Good morning, Sasaki-kun," you say. "None of your little friends with you today?"

"No," he says. "Want to join me?"

"I'm on my shift," you laugh.

Sasaki makes a show of looking around the almost empty cafe floor. "There's hardly anyone here," he says. "C'mon, Tsuki-chan! Touka-chan won't write you up... Tell you what, if you do get in trouble, we'll say it was I who corrupted you and your hardworking ways." His eyes sparkle mischievously. _Mon dieu, _you think. Another nickname.

Your hair is in a ponytail. Touka's the one who suggested it. That way you won't get your damn hair in the coffee and have the customers complain. She said it harshly, but there was no bite in her words. She and Yomo treat you delicately, like you're made of glass. You're still too thin with splashes of dark purple underneath your eyes. You still don't sleep very well, but you're eating regularly.

You sit down, across from him. Sasaki's eyes seem drawn to your tied up hair. "Your hair looks nice," he says and you smile. He takes out a small book and hands it to you.

You take it in your hands. It reads out The Fixer in big, bold letters. The cover is simplistic. The spine and pages are worn and dogeared with love. "What is this?" you ask, flipping the book to read the summary.

"You mentioned before how you haven't been reading lately," he says. "And, I thought a good way to kickstart your reading would be to find a good book for you. It's from my collection. I hope you don't mind."

"_Non, non. Merci beaucoup," _you say. He blinks and almost looks like he disconnected from the conversation, even for just a moment. "I'll return it to you as soon as I finish."

"Take your time," says Ka- Sasaki. "If you really like it... you can keep it." Is he blushing?

You want to hug him... and you do. You have to get up from the seat across and walk to him. It's such an awkward hug. Your head settles in the crook of his neck. ...That scent is familiar. You frown. It's the one from the boxers Kanae gave you and then disposed of.

Sasaki's musical laugh startles you out of your thoughts about just how he would taste. (You are not going to hunt the ghoul investigator. He is your friend. You _don't_ eat friends. You don't have that many friends to begin with.) "I'm glad to see you like the surprise." You almost cry. You hope he never finds out that you are a ghoul. (Why does he have to be a Dove? Why is he so nice?)

"Tsukiyama-san?" he says once you return to your seat.

"Yes, Sasaki-kun?"

"Are you free tomorrow?" he says, not meeting your eyes.

It's your day off, a Wednesday. Did he know? Or was it a lucky guess. "Yes... Why?" You must admit that you are curious...

"Would you like to g-go on a bookstore date?" he asks. A _date. _With a _Dove_. A very attractive and kind Dove who happened to look like the late Kaneki Ken.

"_Oui_," slips out of your mouth before your brain could even process that fact that you have been asked out on a date by Sasaki. Now the two of you are blushing and fidgeting in the tall wooden chairs.

"U-uh, where should I pick you up?" he asks after a quiet moment.

You give him Chie's address and settle on the time. 12pm sharp.

* * *

><p>Chie's the one who reacts the strongest when you tell her of the upcoming date. "Really? You're going on a date?" she sounds shocked. (Are you really undateable or something?) Then, her face morphs into a calculating one. "Did you pick out your outfit yet?"<p>

You shake your head.

Then you're dragged to your room and Chie rips through your closet. She pulls out the vibrant sweater first. You frown. Then she pulls out a white dress shirt and some jeans. "Not too formal," she says. "And just a splash of color." ...Is she making fun of how you speak?

You iron your clothes while she eats chocolate ice cream. You wonder how ice cream would taste if you could eat it. It's sweet, that's what you know. Maybe something like fresh eyeballs? You almost burn the clothes.

"What kind of date are you going on, Tsukiyama?" she says it casually, as if she didn't care. But, you can see the glint of interest in her eyes. The curve of a small smile. She's happy for you.

So why does it feel like you're betraying Kaneki?

* * *

><p>Sasaki picks you up at 12, as promised. Chie snaps a picture of you two before waving goodbye. Sasaki smiles and says,"You look nice." He looks better, no doubt. He wears a black dress down shirt and dark pants along with a nice pair of sneakers.<p>

"You do too," you say. He tucks a strand of hair behind your ear. Your face heats up and then so does his, after he realizes what he's done.

Sasaki struggles to think up a conversation topic quickly. "Tsuki-chan, have you started reading The Fixer?" An easy topic to talk about. You're already half-way through the novel. It's a comfortable conversation that you both settle into as he leads the way to a bookstore even if he insists on calling you by that ridiculous nickname...

It's a second hand bookshop. That would have disgusted you three and a half years ago when you had money and thought yourself better than others. Now, you work for your own money... (and _for forgiveness. You need to make up for all of the wrong decisions you've made in your life. Those three years of utter depression, despair... were they enough to make up for your sins? Probably not. So how dare you enjoy yourself.)_

The old man who owns the bookstore smiles before returning to the novel he is reading.

K- Sasaki grabs one of your hands suddenly. Your fingers intertwine and you look down at them (in wonder?). He drags you over to the horror section. Not romantic at all... It's the first time you notice that he's just about the same height as you, if not just a tad shorter.

"I hope you don't mind," he says, cheeks red. "I really like reading horror novels."

"It's fine, Sasaki-kun. We all have our favorites." Truthfully, you like horror novels too... Especially those written by Takatsuki Sen. But that's too close to Kaneki Ken. You have to keep the two of them separate, distinguishable. (in your heart? in your stomach?)

"What's your favorite then? Genre, I mean," he says.

You're not quite sure. "Anything, as long as it has a happy ending," you say. That is not quite true... Most books you've read and enjoyed ended tragically. But... you think you're done with sad endings.

Sasaki smiles wistfully at the novels. "I have some bad news about The Fixer, then."

"_Non, non_! No spoiling!"

Sasaki laughs and pulls out a copy of The Black Goat's Egg.

* * *

><p>Chie listens to all of your ranting about the date. (Date? Date. It was a date.) She's eating an apple. The wet crunches remind you of the sound your teeth make against flesh and bones, though you'll never be able to compare the flavors. She doesn't say much. Her camera is in one of her tiny hands. She takes a photo every now and then; the flash of light hurts your eyes.<p>

"Kanae gave me his underwear before..." you mention. You'll never tell Sasaki you have smelled his underwear. (You would have to explain so much...)

That's when she slows her biting and looks up. "I'm the one who gave the boxers to him, since he refused to let me see you, Tsukiyama." Then she says quietly: "He took the credit for my _hard_ _work_." She sounds vaguely disappointed in the servant.

You look at her. "Why... did you send me a ghoul investigator's underwear?" You don't even question _how _she got it. The little mouse is sneaky.

She waves her hand, dismissing your question. "Eh, if you haven't figured it out by now, you'll never figure it out." And after more of your prodding,"Everything worked out Tsukiyama. It's nothing big."

You hope it isn't.

You trust Chie. You've been friends for years. She didn't abandon you. She's giving you a home... that's more than what you can say about your parents. _They want to keep the name clean, Sh- _You put down your mug with more force than you intended to. You apologize to Chie, who didn't mind in the first place.

Sasaki is with the green haired investigator – the one who wears an eyepatch – a week later. You put two cups in front of the Doves. Tooru had ordered a very sweet cup of tea. (The scent of cinnamon stings your nose.) Sasaki orders his regular.

The door opens and the bell chimes in greeting.

You turn around, ready to greet the new customer when your smile slips off of your face. You take a step backwards. What is he doing here?

"Shuu-sama," says Kanae. He is watery-eyed and wrings his hands nervously. The people at the cafe quiet, eyes drawn to the scene. Oh no... "_What are you doing here? I've... I've been looking for you for so long... How could you just leave me?" _In one hand is a rose. He fiddles with it, giving himself a shallow cut.

You open your mouth to say something. (Something... like what? Your mind is blank.)

Kanae walks over to you and grabs you by the wrist. His fingers are freezing. _"You're working here... at this... less than reputable establishment. You're tarnishing the family name, Shuu-sama."_

You know you are.

But, he's not doing better.

Sasaki stands up from his seat and Tooru looks like he's going to have a heart attack at any minute.

"Kanae..." you say quietly. "Let go of me." He is still technically your servant.

He doesn't listen to you; his grip becomes tighter. _"You are in no shape to be up and about. Shuu-sama, I care for you and your family deeply. I am only trying to help." _He is stronger than his petit form would suggest.

"Did you even listen to him?" says Sasaki, walking to your side. "Let go of Tsuki-chan."

"Tsuki-chan?" Kanae repeats, finally looking at Sasaki. "Who are you to call Shuu-sama that? You are just a _commoner_." Kanae spits out that word like it's human food. He's still holding onto you. But the hand that holds the rose brings it to Sasaki's lips.

Sasaki swats it away and it lands on the floor.

"Kanae, please be nice," you say, pulling your arm away. He tightens his hold on your wrist and you can feel the bones move. It _hurt... Why is he doing this?_ "And let _go_." _Your wrist might just snap._

Kanae finally lets go but you're sure your wrist will bruise.

"You're not wanted here, Kanae-kun," says Sasaki cooly. _Badass mode_. "Just run along now."

Kanae looks like he's about to say something else, when Yomo comes from the back room. He looks at you, then Sasaki, then Kanae. The new Gourmet might not have been the weakest person around, but with a Dove _and _the Raven around... he stood no chance.

Kanae leaves :re and Yomo looks exasperated.

* * *

><p>Sasaki spirits you away after your shift.<p>

He's taken to holding your hand, everywhere the two of you go. It's sweet. He's always so warm...

"Where are we going?" you ask.

He brings his finger to his lips. "Surprise." By surprise, he means the CCG main building. You can feel your heart hammer in your chest. "Welcome to my home." Now you're just confused.

"You... live in an office, Sasaki-kun?" you say gently. Is everything okay with him. (your boyfriend?)

He laughs, startling you. "Tsuki-chan, there are apartments for members of the Quinx squad." Sasaki lets go of your hand to ruffle your hair. You frown; you did spend about an hour on making sure your low ponytail was presentable.

His apartment is right next to his coworkers. How awkward. But it's welcoming. You take off your jacket and Sasaki hangs it. The first thing you notice are the bookshelves... There is no possible way for you to not notice them. They are everywhere. Some books are stacked on the floor. There aren't enough bookshelves, but at the same time, there isn't much else around.

"Sorry about the mess," Sasaki says. "Can I get you something to eat?" You cannot eat anything he offers. But you've never seen Sasaki eat either...

"No, I'm fine," you say. "I had a big breakfast." You actually did. Touka forced you to eat something before working... She says you look terrible, and it hurts business.

Sasaki makes a face. "Fine, but I'll make us some coffee."

There is some cartoon on the television. You don't bother to change it. The show is very bright and cheerful. Sasaki brings you black coffee; it isn't very dark. It tastes differently from the coffee at :re. (which is to be expected...) But it does taste... familiar for some reason.

You settle on the couch and find a movie to watch.

But soon enough, your eyes slide shut. You are so tired... Sasaki smells so good... you wonder how he would taste sauteed.

* * *

><p>When you wake up, you're still on the couch. You're lying down though. With Sasaki. A blanket covers you both. Sasaki's arm is pressing you to his chest. No fair. You're taller. Instead, he is the pillow.<p>

Your stirring wakes up Sasaki.

He kisses your cheek absentmindedly. "You should have told me you were sleepy, Tsuki," he says drowsily. "What time is it?"

You stretch, still smushed against him. "I don't know."

He lets go and gets up, moving the blanket away from you. You shiver from the cold.

"It's 2am," he says. "Wow... It's really late..." Then Sasaki yawns. You can see his teeth. They're perfect. You wonder what noise they'd make while biting a chunk of your shoulder clean off... (He's human. Humans generally don't eat ghouls.) "Do you want to stay for the night?" It's such an innocent offer, but your mind immediately jumps to other things.

"O-okay," you stutter, getting your mind out of the gutter. "Just let me call Chie..."

"Would she be awake at this time?" He looks like a concerned parent. (You guess he is, in a way... His coworkers, the ones that live in the nearby apartments, are younger than him...)

"Probably," you say.

You don't own a cell phone of your own. You borrow his home phone. Chie doesn't pick up. Maybe she is asleep?

Sasaki tosses some clothes to you. They're his; you can smell his scent on them. You look up at him curiously.

"You can't sleep in the clothes you're wearing, Tsuki-chan," he chides gently. "So, you can borrow mine." You change in the bathroom, avoiding looking at the mirror. They're almost a perfect fit. The shirt is a bit short on you. They must also be too big on your shorter boyfriend.

Sasaki is already burrowed in the bed. He scoots over to make room for you. You crawl in.

"You're cold," whines Sasaki when you press your freezing feet against his exposed legs. He's wearing shorts to bed... it's his own fault, you justify. He fixes the blanket to cover the two of you better.

"I know," you say. You continue using him as a pillow. He smells so nice and your stomach grumbles lowly.

Sasaki laughs. "Do you want to eat something, Tsuki-chan?" He nuzzles the top of your head.

You blush. You really cannot eat anything this ghoul investigator has to offer. If you ingest human food in this state, you'll only grow weaker (if possible). "It's okay," you say. "I'll eat tomorrow."

He kisses your head and the two of you fall into a dreamless slumber.

* * *

><p>When you go home, Chie waits for you on the couch. She has a smug grin on her face. Does she think that this is a walk of shame? You just need your uniform for work.<p>

"What...?" you say.

"Nothing," she says, not dropping the smile. "Just, your hair is really messed up, Tsukiyama... What _have _you been doing last night?"

You flush. "Nothing! Well... sleeping. Sasaki doesn't have any mousse or hairspray," you complain. It was a big problem! Your hair looks terrible without any styling. You walk to the bathroom and undo the hastily-made bun. Chie follows you and sits on the edge of the bathtub.

You fix your hair and she takes a picture.

...Kaneki left you with nothing; nothing but nostalgia and painful memories you wish you did not have. You loved him. You did not realize it before. You never loved someone before. There were categories that you put others in: useful... and food. Kaneki fit in both– neither... both? You're still not sure.

The ghoul investigator who bore such an impossibly strong resemblance to Kaneki... you love him too.

Sasaki is here and real and alive. Are you betraying Kaneki's memory by falling for another man? What would Kaneki have wanted?

You wish you could ask for his advice.

* * *

><p>You walk to work, every day you have work. So five days a week. It's early Saturday morning and you're supposed to open up :re. Touka's given you keys to the cafe.<p>

It's usually slow in the mornings. Just a few customers who drop by for a cup and leave. Sometimes Sasaki brings his coworkers.

Before you get to the cafe, you're pulled into a dark alleyway.

It's Kanae. A messy, disheveled Kanae. He's bleeding from some slowly healing wounds. His kagune is out, ready to strike... Is he really going to attack you? ...What is _wrong _with him?

"Kanae..." you breathe out softly. "Put away your kagune." It's an order. You're still his master. Why won't he listen to you? "We don't need to settle this with violence." If it comes to a fight, you'll lose.

_"Shuu-sama_," he says. His voice is breathy and he does not seem very attached to reality. _"Come home. We can't have you continuing on, doing whatever you please."_

We?

You shake your head. "I'm not returning to my apartment, Kanae."

_"You need to, Shuu-sama. You need to come home." _He slams you against the brick wall and you groan lowly. Your head... you hit your head pretty hard. Maybe you have a concussion. _"You're all I have left."_

Your kagune is brittle and can break, but you use it to block his strike. He aimed for your gut. If Kanae lands a few hits, it would be imperative for you to get to :re. You haven't eaten yet. Where you blocked his kagune... the pain is incredible. You're seeing stars, but that might be from the possible concussion.

The sounds of the scuffle attracts attention.

The click of a briefcase opening makes your blood run cold. Your kagune is broken. Kanae has stabbed your stomach. Your blood is ruining your shoes... You're slumped against the brick wall, kagune trying to reform to block more strikes.

But it doesn't matter.

You'll die either way, by Kanae's hand or the CCG's.

The Dove attacks Kanae with a quinque. Your servant's warm blood splashes you. Your vision is going black. You try to fight it. You might die if you fall asleep... But, you'll die anyway.

"Kanae-kun, run away while you can," hisses out the Dove.

Kanae listens. You can hear him retreat, feet against the concrete.

"Tsuki-chan!" You're so tired... "Hey, Tsuki-chan!" Only one person would call you that. You crack open your eyes. It's Sasaki. You never wanted him to know what you really are. The remnants of your kagune (the part still attached to the middle of your back...) seem to move in greeting.

You smile. It's pitiful.

He kneels by your side, unbuttoning part of his shirt. "Here," he says, pressing your mouth against the smooth skin of his neck. "Take a bite."

What is your stupid Dove doing?

"No," you say. It's muffled against his skin. "Sasaki... I... I don't want to eat you." You don't want to hurt him. Why is he helping you when he should be killing you?

"It'll be okay," he reassures.

You shake your head and regret it. Oh... does your head hurt. "I lied to you." Is it just as bad as the times you deceived Kaneki?

"Well, I lied to you too," Sasaki says. He pulls away from you and you notice his left eye... is the same as yours. He's a half-ghoul... just like Kaneki... Then he presses your face against his neck, once again. "Please just take a bite." He runs his hand through your hair, getting your blood on it.

"Half-ghoul," you murmur, thinking. You only know one other.

You lick his skin before taking a small bite. He tastes just like how you thought he would: sweet, with just a hint of bitterness. You lick at the bite and Sasaki shivers.

He buttons up his shirt when the RC cells in his blood heals the wound.

"I did have my suspicions that you were a ghoul," Sasaki says casually, running a hand through your hair. "Well, I guess I know what to have on hand next time you stay the night, Tsuki-chan..." He helps you up. You can feel your body slowly be mended. "You can't go to work like this," he mutters.

But... :re is the closest place. He brings you there and you unlock the door. It's still a while before :re officially opens.

You go to the backroom. Along with human body parts and organs, Yomo and Touka keep spare uniforms there. Sasaki follows you. "Don't look," you huff, face warm.

He laughs, but turns around without complaint.

"Your shoes are still ruined," he says.

"Yeah..." you sigh. You have to stay behind the counter then.

Sasaki kisses you on the lips. You might cry. Your eyes are watering and you blink rapidly.

"There's something else I need to tell you," he says. What else? Is he secretly Kaneki Ken? You don't know many half-ghouls. What is the CCG doing these days...? You watch him closely. He seems nervous, clenching and unclenching his fists. "I... I don't have all of my memories."

You blink. "You're an amnesiac?" you say.

"Yes," Sasaki says. "I don't remember anything from about 4 years ago."

"Does it have anything to do with that eye surgery?" you ask. You reach out for his hand and squeeze it gently.

"Yeah." He chokes up. "But... I think... I did some pretty messed up things before."

"It's okay, Sasaki," you try to comfort him. "We have all done things we regret... That's what makes us..." You were going to say _human_. But... Neither you or he are fully human.

He kisses you again, harsher than the last time. "And when I first saw you... I knew that my old self knew you too..." Sasaki peppers your face with little kisses. The look in his eyes is almost hungry; that one ghoul's eye glows faintly. "Tell me... Who do you like better: me... or Sasaki?" In that moment... everything clicks in your head. The voice is husky and so very _dolce._

You love Kaneki.

You love Sasaki.

They're one, complex person... You're not cheating on Kaneki's memory, because he is still alive (in Sasaki).

You don't know who you prefer... You don't get to answer. He captures your lips before you have a chance to open your mouth.

Yomo opens the back door, sees the two of you, and promptly closes it with a loud, exaggerated sigh.


End file.
